Q. Why should I use a Sex Toy?

There are as many reasons to use a vibrator as there are reasons to feel good. Here are some of the most common reasons people play with vibrators:

Curiosity: Sexual curiosity is healthy; wanting to try a vibrator is reason enough to try one.

Self-discovery: Particularly for those of us who have never been given the opportunity or permission to explore being sexual, vibrators can be a great way to explore your body. When using a vibrator by yourself you can start exploring yourself, your sensations (both physical and emotional) and reactions in a relatively safe environment.

To “Spice Up” a long term sexual relationship: Vibrators can shake things up (literally and figuratively) in a long term relationship if sex has become routine or exploration has fizzled out.

To experience orgasm for the first time: For many people, especially women, who never or rarely experience orgasm, vibration can be the fastest and easiest way to discover their orgasmic potential.

For extra stimulation that you can’t add on your own: Many people aren’t able to stimulate themselves the way they want to. Chronic pain, disability, and fatigue don’t stop you from feeling pleasure, but vibrators can sometimes make it easier.

For fun: For the most part the reason we all use, or consider using, vibrators is the same: because it’s pleasurable. Pleasure, however you define it, is pretty close to a universal desire.

Popular Misconceptions of Sex Toys

Myth: Sex toys are only for people who have a bad sex life, or no sex life.

Sex Toy Fact: Everyone and anyone you can image is the kind of person who uses sex toys. In fact research on vibrator use suggests that people who are having sex use sex toys more than those who aren’t, and that between 20-30% of people have used sex toys at least once in their lives. Sex toys aren’t a crutch or a cure-all, they are an addition to sexual repertoire.

Myth: Sex toys are addictive.

Sex Toy Fact: Addiction implies harm, and there is nothing harmful about using sex toys (as long as they’re used properly). It’s true that people can become used to using sex toys, and even come to rely on them, but there is no “withdrawal” and anyone can easily get themselves back to masturbation or partner sex without sex toys. People who suggest that vibrator addiction is real tend to be people who think that any sex toy use is too much sex toy use. Read more about the truth behind vibrator addiction.

Myth: If a woman has a sex toy, she won’t need a man.

Sex Toy Fact: Sex toys are not replacements for people. A sex toy won’t make you breakfast, or cuddle, or tell you how much it loves you. Many men are intimidated by sex toys because they have been raised with the idea that the most important thing about them is what’s between their legs. These myths about male sexuality sink in early, and as a result most men are insecure about their sexual importance. Also, let’s remember that there are lots of women who don’t want a man in the first place, and a sex toy isn’t going to change that one way or the other.

Myth: Guys only use sex toys because they can’t get any “real” sex.

Sex Toy Fact: The cliché about men and sex toys is the guy in the raincoat, buying the “masturbator” and watching porn in his basement while masturbating. The reality about men and sex toys is that millions of them use them, in one study it was 21% of respondents, both when they are in relationships and single. The best way for a man to become a better lover is to learn more about his own sexual response. Masturbation, with or without sex toys, is the key to this, and to learning to control ejaculation. Using sex toys doesn’t mean a man is a loser, it means he’s smart, and likely to be better in bed for it.

Myth: Sex toys make sex less natural.

Sex Toy Fact: Most of us are raised being told many lies about sex among them that “natural sex” means one thing only. Is drawing less “natural” when we use a pencil and paper? Is painting more “natural” if we use our own blood, rather than paints? Of course not. Yet sex is somehow less “natural” if we use tools and toys to make it different. Sex toys are animated not by batteries but by our imaginations, and using sex toys is as natural as the people using them.

Myth: There are bad sex toys and good sex toys.

Sex Toy Fact: With the exception of a few sex toys that pose obvious risks, there is no such thing as a “good” or “bad” sex toy. Sex toys are whatever we do with them. A vibrator that would be too strong, too heavy, and painful for one person might be perfect for another. A dildo that feels sticky and looks weird to one, might be the ideal shape, size and texture for another. The trick is to find the sex toy that’s right for you, but most sex toys will be good for some people, and bad for others.

Q. Why Should I use Lube?

Personal lubricants are perhaps the greatest unsung sex toy. While it’s true that lubricant can be used to solve a sexual problem, like vaginal dryness, lube is much more than something to use only when you “need” it. The right personal lubricant can:

* Intensify and enhance sensations (for solo or partner sex)

* Change the way that sex feels

* Help you have sex longer

* Make safer sex safer by reducing the chances that a condom will break

* Eliminate pain associated with intercourse that comes from vaginal dryness

* Be essential for certain kinds of sex play, like using sex toys and exploring anal sex.

Figuring out which is the right one for you can be tricky. Here are some key things to consider when choosing a personal lubricant. Remember that both water based and silicone based lubricants are safe to use with condoms.

The main difference between water based and silicone based lubricants are:

Water based lubricants:

* Flush out of the body, and off the body easier than silicone

* Are more widely available

* Are available in flavored and warming variations

* Are less expensive

Silicone based lubricants:

*Contain no water, so they never dry up or evaporate

* Require soap and water to come off the skin

* Do not absorb in the skin

* Are more expensive, but less is required.

In general, thicker lubricants are better for anal play and with sex toys as they stay on toys better, and may provide extra comfort for anal penetration. For vaginal penetration, the consistency is a personal preference. Men who are looking for a lubricant for masturbation may want an oil based product since it stays slick longer (but is not good for use with condoms or vaginal penetration).

Q. How can I stimulate my G-spot?

Many women can stimulate their g-spot using their fingers. Some people will find it easier using a toy that is curved, either a dildo or a vibrator. You might find your g-spot immediately, or it could take several attempts.

1. Avoid performance pressure about the “magic spot”. People can become fixated on achieving a sexual goal (multiple orgasms, simultaneous orgasm, g-spot orgasms) One thing I can promise is that this is the best way to NOT enjoy any sort of sexual encounter. Remember that sexual exploration is mostly about the journey, not the destination (although the destination is better than most, I’ll agree). Try not to make this another notch in your “sexually self-actualized” belt.

2. Turn yourself on. Any homework that starts with this is bound to be somewhat fruitful. The spongy area around the g-spot gets engorged with blood when you’re sexually aroused, so it is much easier to find and feel when you’re turned on.

3. Get comfortable and find the g-spot area. Lie on your back, squat, or lie on your stomach. Place your palm face down on your vulva and slowly insert a finger inside your vagina (use lube if you’re feeling a little dry), crooking it forward in a “come hither” motion. When you’re up to about the second knuckle you should feel a slightly bumpy or ridged area on the upper wall of your vagina.

4. Notice how the g-spot feels. The texture of the g-spot area will likely be noticeably different from the typically smooth walls of the vagina. When you’re aroused it can expand, so feel it at different times during your arousal to get familiar with its contours and sensitivity. The g-spot responds to pressure, so press down and pull forward using that “come hither” motion with your fingers.

5. Explore the g-spot with toys. For some it can be awkward to stimulate the g-spot by hand. A g-spot vibrator or dildo can be a great helper in this. Apply a little lube to your toy, and insert it with the tip (if it’s curved) pointing up toward the top wall of your vagina. Work it in slowly, far enough (a couple of inches) so the tip is pressing against your g-spot.

6. Experiment with pressure and motion. Some women will find pressure against the g-spot pleasurable, some women like the feeling vibration when a toy is pressing against the g-spot. Experiment and see if either feels good for you. For most women, the g-spot responds to firm pressure. In the beginning, use your toy as if you were trying to scratch an itch—don’t pull the toy all the way out, but use short strokes, applying firm pressure, against the g-spot.

7. Vary the movements. A circular or back-and-forth motion may be necessary to get you started, but you might soon graduate to a more vigorous thrusting. If you’ve got a vibrator, try playing with the vibrations both on and off to see which you like better.

8. Add clitoral stimulation to g-spot play. You’ll know you’re hitting the spot as you feel tingly sensations, the urge to pee, and an overall elevation in your arousal. When you feel the urge to come, stimulate your clitoris using your favorite method. Keep stroking your g-spot.

9. Let go. With continued stimulation, you’ll eventually feel a sensation much like having to pee. This can be quite disconcerting at first, and has probably led plenty of women to abandon the process, but if you stick with it you’ll be in for a pleasant surprise. You may or may not ejaculate, but ejaculation is perfectly normal (and it’s not urine).

10. If you don’t at first orgasm, try try again. It can take several practice sessions before you notice any build up. Try varying your position, using a different toy, experimenting with breathing and kegel exercises (to strengthen your PC muscle), or having a partner help you. Because the g-spot is most responsive when aroused, you may also want to try stimulating it after you’ve had an orgasm.

11. Remember the ear lobe. Experimenting with the g-spot can be fun, and you never know what you’ll learn in the process. But try not to get hung up on this being a mind-blowing experience. If you’re playing around and it’s not doing anything for you, try something else, and know that there is nothing wrong with you, and what turns us all on is incredibly individual and unique.

Q. What are Kegel Exercises? And why should I do them?

Kegel exercises can be good for women who are experiencing incontinence (as a result of childbirth, medical treatment, or changes/stress on the body), and they have also been recommended as a way of changing how orgasms feel (some, but not all, women say it enhances their orgasms).

Many people begin doing Kegel exercises, which are exercises designed to strengthen the pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles), but are squeezing the wrong muscle. It’s important to make sure you are exercising the correct muscle. Here are two tips to finding your PC muscle:

1. The easiest way to find your PC muscle is to stop the flow of urine while you are peeing. As you are peeing, intentionally stop the flow of urine. Do this several times until you can clearly feel the muscle you are using to stop the flow. This muscle is your PC muscle.

2. You can also check you’ve got the right muscle by inserting a finger (for women in the vagina, for men in the anus) and squeezing your PC muscle. If you feel pressure around your finger, you’re using the right muscle.

While you many not need a special device to do Kegel exercises many people find using something like a sex toy or other exerciser makes Kegels easier to do and more effective. There’s also the fact that most products for Kegel exercises double quite well as a sex toys and can be used not just for sexual health, but sexual pleasure as well.

Time Required: Once you know how, Kegel exercises don’t have to take more than ten minutes per session.

1. Start by locating your PC muscle. Many people begin doing kegel exercises but are actually squeezing the wrong muscle. Before you start the exercises, find your PC muscle, make sure you know where your PC muscle is and what it feels like.

2. Squeezing Kegel exercises: start slow, find your baseline. The basic exercise can be done anytime and anywhere. Just squeeze your PC muscles as hard as you can, and hold them. This is doing a Kegel exercise. Start by squeezing and holding for a count of 3-5 seconds, then release and relax for 5 seconds. When you release, notice how your muscles feel. The first time you do a Kegel exercise see how many times you can do it before you feel your muscles getting tired.

3. Squeezing Kegel exercises: use sets of repetitions Your Kegel exercises will be most efficient and have the most impact if you get into doing sets of repetitions of the squeezing. Once you’ve found your baseline, you can work from there. If you can, start with doing 5 repetitions (squeeze/hold/release). Judge for yourself how long you can hold the squeeze for, but don’t push yourself too much at first.

4. Building up strength with Kegel exercises. Once you’ve found your baseline, do your exercises, and every couple of days increase both the length of time you hold the squeeze for, and the number of exercises per set. As a guideline, try to work up to a point where you can hold the squeeze for ten seconds. And try to work up to doing ten reps of Kegel exercises per set. So you squeeze, hold for ten second, release, relax for ten seconds, and repeat ten times.

5. Do your Kegel exercises three or four times a day. Try to take three or four times in the day to do Kegel exercises. Again, everyone is different, but as a guideline try to do ten reps per session, holding for ten seconds on each exercise.

6. Vary the intensity and time in Kegel exercises. You can also try to vary the intensity of your squeezing and the amount of time you hold the squeeze in a set. Once you’re comfortable that you’re doing the exercises properly try a set where you do rapid squeeze and release. Experiment with how long you can comfortably hold a squeeze. Remember not to push yourself to the point of pain or discomfort.

7. Do kegels while masturbating and having partner sex. Once you’re comfortable, incorporate Kegel exercises in your masturbation. Do them while you’re getting warmed up, doing them before you have an orgasm, and even try to do them while having an orgasm. You may notice that Kegels change the way your sexual excitement and your experience of orgasm feels.

Tips:

1. Isolate the PC muscle when doing your kegel exercises. At the beginning, remember to regularly check that you are exercising your PC muscle, and not other muscles. Avoid contracting your abdominal, thigh, or buttocks muscles. This is something many people do, but it reduces the effectiveness of the kegel exercise Concentrate on breathing and trying to keep yourself relaxed, and only tense the PC muscles you are using. Try not to tense up your whole body.

2. Finding time to do your Kegel exercises. You don’t need to set aside a big chunk of time to do Kegel exercises. Do a few reps while waiting for a stop light to turn green. In the last ten minutes before lunch, when you’re sitting at a desk, do a few reps. Do them while you’re waiting for the movie to start, or a commercial break to be over.

3. Don’t overdo your kegel exercises.Like any exercise, it’s important to build up slowly, and pay attention to your body. If you are experiencing pain or discomfort, you are pushing yourself too hard. It is possible that you could strain the muscles and aggravate a current problem, when you are trying to resolve it.

 Q. I want to try Prostate Stimulation, how do I find it? How do I stimulate it?

The prostate gland is about the size of a chestnut and can be found near the root of the penis (the place inside your body where the penis starts) and just below the bladder. The prostate gland produces part of the ejaculatory fluid (also called seminal fluid). It sometimes gets called the male g-spot (unfortunately it has lately been referred to as the “P” spot). Because of medical conditions or medications some men have enlarged prostates that can cause pain or discomfort. But for many men it is a wonderful sex organ that provides deep sexual pleasure.

1. Wash up, and relax. Many men have a few issues with cleanliness when it comes to exploring anal play. Having a nice warm bath or hot show may help alleviate anxiety about this. Also the bath or shower is a great place to explore. Because feces only travel through the rectum on the way out of the body, you won’t find very much there. If you are concerned about having a bowel movement during play, make sure you go to the bathroom before you begin.

2. Trim your nails and smooth out the rough edges. The lining of the anus is very sensitive and can be torn easily. If you’re playing with toys, make sure there are no sharp edges (sometimes anal beads have rough edges which can be smoothed out with a nail file). Consider using latex gloves. They are a great way to deal with hang nails and small cuts on your hands, plus if you have any concerns about cleanliness they provide a good barrier between you and all your bodily fluids.

3. Turn yourself on. Because the prostate swells when aroused, it’s easier to locate when you’re hot and bothered so watch an adult movie, masturbate, fantasize...whatever gets you in the mood.

4. Find a comfortable position. If you are exploring on your own find a position you are most comfortable in where you have access to your bum. Try lying on your side, or squatting. Sitting in a comfy chair might work, or lie on your back with your legs in the air. You need a position you’ll be comfortable in for a while. Using pillows is always a good way to get comfortable.

5. Start on the outside, massage your anus and perineum. You never want to rush the penetration part of anal play. Start with an external massage. The perineum is located between the testicles and above the anus and most men find that massaging the perineum is very relaxing and pleasurable. Massage your anus using a rhythmic, circular motion. You can gently push on the anus as if you’re ringing a doorbell, without forcing your finger inside. This will help relax the anal sphincter.

6. Go on in. When you are ready to insert a finger in the anus, try to tune into your breath. Breathe deeply. The best way to insert a finger in the anus is to start with the pad of your finger first (not the tip). Gently put the pad of one finger up to the opening of the anus, and as you exhale, push out (as if you’re trying to go to the bathroom) while you insert a well-lubed finger. Once inside, rest a moment while you get used to the sensation of having something in your anus.

7. Find your prostate. You should be able to feel your prostate about two inches in and toward your belly. It is often a walnut-shaped bump. Some men will know when they are touching it, others won’t notice much at all. It can be easier to have someone else find it for you (if you happen to have someone handy!)

8. Experiment with different kinds of touch Once you’ve found the prostate you can experiment with what feels good. You’ll find it much easier and more comfortable to use a lubricant with your fingers or toys. Some men like the feeling of consistent pressure or pressing on the prostate, others will get off on vibration, or an on-off kind of pressure. You can also experiment by squeezing your PC muscle and see how that changes the feeling of prostate stimulation.

9. Try playing with toys Anal sex toys can be a great way to explore what prostate stimulation can feel like for you. Toys that have a slight curve are often designed for prostate stimulation. Some toys will vibrate, which is a completely different kind of sensation that some guys like and others don’t. If you’re going to try a vibrator, be sure to get one with variable speed, so you can start slow if you want to.

10. Try butt plugs. Butt plugs are anal toys designed to be inserted in the anus and stay in place. Some guys will put in a butt plug and then have other kinds of sex play (either masturbation or play with partners). Many say that having a butt plug in (which provides a mild but constant prostate stimulation) really changes the way that their orgasms feel.

Tips:

1. Any kind of anal penetration can be intense at first. Remember to breathe deeply as you play. Try to coordinate the timing of your breathing with the building orgasm.

2. Take your time. Don’t rush it, and if you’re feeling uncomfortable take a break, or end the exploration for the time being.

Q. How Do I Avoid Feces During Anal Sex?

It’s a common concern of people who haven’t had anal sex before worry about how much feces may or may not be involved. The first thing to know is that the parts of your anal anatomy that are involved in anal sex are not where feces are stored. The rectum and anal canal are a passageway, not a storage space. So if you’ve had a healthy bowel movement that day, and do a little external wash up (maybe put your finger inside your anus a little way while your washing), there shouldn’t be more than minute fecal matter in your rectum.

That said it is possible and maybe even likely that when something goes in your anus it will come out with a little bit of feces. This is why using condoms and gloves is so important and condoms and gloves have the added benefit of making you less squeamish since you know there’s a solid barrier between skin and feces. If you’re worried about this (either because it’s your fecal matter or you’re on the receiving end) talk about it before hand. Put it out on the table that yes, there may be some fecal matter on display. It’s not like the anus isn’t somewhere to expect it, and frankly, if one or both of you are too squeamish about it, maybe you should hold off on the anal sex.

If you’ve read stories about large amounts of excrement coming out of nowhere and you’re worried about this happening to you, chances are it won’t. First of all, consider the chances that many stories you come across aren’t true. If you or your partner has bowel incontinence it’s possible that this could happen. In this case you may still be able to have anal sex (but it’s a good idea to talk with your doctor first). Just be sure to empty your bowels before hand. Finally, some of those stories that involve “surprise” fecal matter aren’t really surprises. If you talk to the people involved sometimes you find out that this was something that was planned, and one or both of the partners enjoyed it.

 Q. My partner and I want to try Anal Sex for the first time. Are there any tips for first time anal?

Firstly, more interest means more of us can get clear and accurate information about a part of the body often shrouded in mystery. Secondly, this whole area of our body has been largely ignored for its sexual potential. The bum, the anus, and the rectum are all sites of enormous potential pleasure. They respond to feelings of touch, pressure, movement, and can be incredibly pleasurable. Dispelling fear and combating ignorance is the first step to enjoying anal sex. Here are five important steps to exploring anal play.

1. Learn about the anus. These are some of the pleasure points: The opening of the anus contains the highest concentration of nerve endings. Thereafter, the anus responds mostly to feelings of fullness or pressure. Putting pressure on the ventral wall of the anus a couple of inches in will stimulate the (male) prostate gland. The tip of the (internal) clitoral body in women can also be stimulated through the anus.

2. Relax and take the time to explore your anal opening (sphincter muscles), anal canal, (male) prostate gland. Be conscious of what feels good, what does not. Stop if you are overwhelmed by difficult or negative emotions. Breathe, relax, continue if you choose. If it hurts, do not force it. Pain is an indication that something is not quite right.

3. Open your mind to all the possibilities of anal play. These include touching with fingers or other body parts or objects, licking or oral-anal contact (popularly known as rimming), pulling open the buttocks thereby stretching the anal opening, and penetration with fingers, toys, penis. Do not forget fantasy and dirty talking to augment anal play -- or during another type of play entirely!

4. Play safely. Because the lining of the anus is very sensitive to damage, special precautions should be taken. Anything near or in the anus should be smooth or free of jagged edges; cut fingernails short and round the edges with an emery board. Dildos with a flared base are advised - anything that slips out of your grasp may not be easily retrievable! Lubricant is essential for anal penetration as the anus does not produce its own lubrication.

5. Keep clean. Do not put anything from the anus to vagina -- bacteria that live quite happily in the anus with cause havoc in the vagina. Use a fresh condom on penis or toys and a fresh latex glove on hands, or wash very thoroughly. Use a dental dam or slice open a condom to use as a barrier for oral-anal contact.

The Most Important Part of Good Anal Sex

There’s one thing that’s more important than anything else if you want to have safe and pleasurable anal sex. Lubricant is important. Having protection like gloves and condoms is essential. But the number one thing you need if you want to enjoy anal sex is desire. You have to want to have anal sex and be excited about learning about it before you do it. You can have doubts or concerns. There’s no way of knowing you’ll like it until you try it. But if you don’t really want to try it, if you’re just going along with a partner for their sake, it’s going to be a whole lot harder to have it safely and to enjoy it. Because anal sex requires you to really relax, and to listen to your body, if you aren’t motivated to do those things (and desire is a great motivator) you should think about waiting or just doing something else.

Much Ado About Poo

Few of us are raised with positive feeling about fecal matter and coming into contact with a bit of unwanted excrement is a common fear for people who haven’t had anal sex before. The truth is that unless you go looking for it, or intentionally make sure it’s there, there isn’t a lot of fecal matter involved in anal sex, but there is a little. The rectum and anal canal are not a storage space for feces, they are a passageway. So if you’ve had a healthy bowel movement that day, and do a little external wash up (maybe put your finger inside your anus a little way while your washing), there shouldn’t be more than microscopic fecal matter in your rectum. If you or your partner think it’s more than you can handle, you may want to hold off on the anal sex for now.

Start with Your Fingers (That Means Your Fingers)

If you’re going to have anal sex with someone else, It’s highly recommend you try it on your own first. Whether you plan on being in front or behind, knowing your own anal anatomy, how it responds to touch, and how it feels to be penetrated anally, will make you a better anal sex partner. Anal masturbation is also a good way to give yourself space to discover other anxieties, concerns, turn ons, etc… as these may come to mind when you’re by yourself. You may find you don’t like taking it but you do like dishing it out. Regardless of whether you ever want to do it again, trying it once on your own is a good first step.

Lots of Patience, and Lots of Lube

After desire, the two required ingredients for every anal sex encounter are patience and lubricant. Forget everything you’ve ever learned about anal sex from pornography (none of it is representational of good sex and most of it is dangerous). With anal sex you have to start slow and build slow. And you have to use a good quality lubricant suitable for anal sex, and reapply lube during anal sex.

For a toy to be safe for anal penetration it should:

1. Be seamless, with no sharp edges, rough pointy bits, or anything that can easily come off. Tissue in the rectum is much more easily torn, even the smallest tear can cause serious problems.

2. Have a wide flared base, or ring, or something significantly big enough to prevent it from being drawn up into the rectum. When you insert something in the anus, there is be a suction-like effect where objects can be drawn up and in.